Modern life is so easy. We have toothpaste, X-rays, Air Jordans, and Yelp. Life is nice. Through most of human history, though, people have had it tough. Bad breath. Getting the plague. Walking around barefoot. Having to go to a restaurant without first checking its reviews online — real rough stuff! But there are certain time periods that were even worse than all the others, and I thank my lucky stars I didn’t have to live through them. Here are some of the most unfortunate times to be alive.
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The Vikings sound cool until you actually imagine being one or, even worse, being one of their enemies. Marauding invaders who sailed around from one frigid land to another, the vikings stole things and people and made everyone pretty miserable. “Consent is sexy” is not a phrase the Vikings were familiar with. But in these times, even being the most important Vikings didn’t make life easy — if you got sick, you were forced to go out into nature on your own. If you survived, you were allowed to return. If you didn’t survive, well, you couldn’t come back. No zombies allowed. When rich dudes died, one or two of their slaves “volunteered” to join them on that flaming boat to Valhalla. Basically, Viking time was just about violent death, eating fish, and being cold all the time. No, thank you.
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The Ice Age wasn’t all talking mammoths and squirrels. In fact, as far as I know, the Ice Age had no talking mammoths OR squirrels. But there really were people who had to live their entire lives trudging around in the ice and snow, being like, “Wow I am so cold” and “I wonder if there was ever a time when it wasn’t this cold” and “What fun things are there to do during the Ice Age?” The answer: Nothing. Snowboarding hadn’t even been invented yet. The Ice Age definitely sucked.
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“World War” is not an exaggeration. World War II was all over the dang place. Europe? Of course. East Asia? Absolutely. The Pacific Islands? Yes. North Africa? Undoubtedly. North America? Not safe. South America? Seems far away, but still couldn’t avoid it. We really need to say thanks to our great-grandparents for dealing with this sh*t because honestly, I don't think we could've handled it. We’d be signing online petitions like, “Stop the Nazis now!” and sharing Upworthy videos about the Rape of Nanking with comments like, “omg someone should do something about this. The world is so f*cked rn.”
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There was a time when most of the world was involved in the slave trade. You were probably from either a country buying slaves or selling slaves, and you were therefore either part of the problem or affected by it. Innocent people were kidnapped from western and central African countries by African slave traders, sold to European and American slave traders on the coast, and brought to South and Central America, the West Indies, North America, and Europe. Outside of the Trans-Atlantic trade, there was slavery everywhere else as well, making the world a place where most people were like, “yeah, slavery is cool with me! It's practical!” That was only a couple hundred years ago. Let that sink in.
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Let me put it this way — you know how Wal-Mart put every other store on Earth out of business? Imagine if Wal-Mart went out of business. You couldn’t buy anything! Anywhere! The Roman Empire trotted around the world, putting all the other great civilizations out of business. The Greeks, the Ancient Egyptians, the Carthaginians. All gone. Then the Roman Empire collapsed too, and nobody knew where to buy their sweatpants and family size bags of BBQ Lays. After the fall came the Dark Ages, which you know are bad right from the name. That’s just terrible marketing.
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This is gonna suck, y’all. And it’s coming. Robots will someday enslave us all and ride us around like horses. They’ll stick us in their back pockets, oblivious to our discomfort, in karmic retribution for all the iPhones we’ve sat on. It’s inevitable. Let’s just be glad we live now, right?
Seems to me like we’re pretty lucky to be alive today. The world looks more beautiful already! Are there any other time periods you’re glad you didn’t live in? Let me know @erikaheidewald or leave a comment!
1) Viking time
(source)The Vikings sound cool until you actually imagine being one or, even worse, being one of their enemies. Marauding invaders who sailed around from one frigid land to another, the vikings stole things and people and made everyone pretty miserable. “Consent is sexy” is not a phrase the Vikings were familiar with. But in these times, even being the most important Vikings didn’t make life easy — if you got sick, you were forced to go out into nature on your own. If you survived, you were allowed to return. If you didn’t survive, well, you couldn’t come back. No zombies allowed. When rich dudes died, one or two of their slaves “volunteered” to join them on that flaming boat to Valhalla. Basically, Viking time was just about violent death, eating fish, and being cold all the time. No, thank you.
2) The Ice Age
(source)The Ice Age wasn’t all talking mammoths and squirrels. In fact, as far as I know, the Ice Age had no talking mammoths OR squirrels. But there really were people who had to live their entire lives trudging around in the ice and snow, being like, “Wow I am so cold” and “I wonder if there was ever a time when it wasn’t this cold” and “What fun things are there to do during the Ice Age?” The answer: Nothing. Snowboarding hadn’t even been invented yet. The Ice Age definitely sucked.
3) World War II
(source)“World War” is not an exaggeration. World War II was all over the dang place. Europe? Of course. East Asia? Absolutely. The Pacific Islands? Yes. North Africa? Undoubtedly. North America? Not safe. South America? Seems far away, but still couldn’t avoid it. We really need to say thanks to our great-grandparents for dealing with this sh*t because honestly, I don't think we could've handled it. We’d be signing online petitions like, “Stop the Nazis now!” and sharing Upworthy videos about the Rape of Nanking with comments like, “omg someone should do something about this. The world is so f*cked rn.”
4) Peak slave trade: 1740-1810
(source)There was a time when most of the world was involved in the slave trade. You were probably from either a country buying slaves or selling slaves, and you were therefore either part of the problem or affected by it. Innocent people were kidnapped from western and central African countries by African slave traders, sold to European and American slave traders on the coast, and brought to South and Central America, the West Indies, North America, and Europe. Outside of the Trans-Atlantic trade, there was slavery everywhere else as well, making the world a place where most people were like, “yeah, slavery is cool with me! It's practical!” That was only a couple hundred years ago. Let that sink in.
5) Fall of the Roman Empire and the Dark Ages
(source)Let me put it this way — you know how Wal-Mart put every other store on Earth out of business? Imagine if Wal-Mart went out of business. You couldn’t buy anything! Anywhere! The Roman Empire trotted around the world, putting all the other great civilizations out of business. The Greeks, the Ancient Egyptians, the Carthaginians. All gone. Then the Roman Empire collapsed too, and nobody knew where to buy their sweatpants and family size bags of BBQ Lays. After the fall came the Dark Ages, which you know are bad right from the name. That’s just terrible marketing.
6) The year 2800, when robots control Earth
(source)This is gonna suck, y’all. And it’s coming. Robots will someday enslave us all and ride us around like horses. They’ll stick us in their back pockets, oblivious to our discomfort, in karmic retribution for all the iPhones we’ve sat on. It’s inevitable. Let’s just be glad we live now, right?
Seems to me like we’re pretty lucky to be alive today. The world looks more beautiful already! Are there any other time periods you’re glad you didn’t live in? Let me know @erikaheidewald or leave a comment!
